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In my dream, I was dying...

It was one of the weirdest dreams I ever had, in that it was one of the few I didn't want to wake up to.

In my dream, I was dying.

While most people consider it a nightmare, I was actually struggling to stay asleep. In the dream, we somehow knew I was supposed to die that day, but I just couldn't give it a rest. Like a zombie I kept following my family around, even when they didn't want me to, knowing I was supposed to go any moment. I'll spare you the gory details of how I looked (and I swear I have never seen 'The Walking Dead' or watched any thriller movie before I slept), other than I was all dressed in a white blouse and slacks. All in all, my family was frustrated, angry, and very sad about it.

What set the dream apart was I felt every moment of it, basically feeling weary and just wanting to lie down. In the end, my mom, though crying told me to just go.

I remember lying down on the hospital bed and just letting my breathing slow down until it finally stopped.

Was it scary?

What scared me was that I was leaving my family. Their grief held me back. But the dying part felt actually nice.

I'm not usually morbid, but the feeling of just letting go in the dream brought tremendous relief. I looked it up in the dream dictionary my aunt had and it said that it means a positive change is coming, and that it is possible I'm starting a new chapter in life.

And you know what? It's kind of true.

I've been meaning to ask this question to the fates, if I should wait for someone, give that someone a chance, maybe he's the one I will finally spend the rest of my life with. I've waited for almost a decade.

Finally, the answer came to me in a text message.

I found out that while he has a girlfriend and was flirting with me (which I know is wrong that's why I never took him seriously) he was also fooling around with my college friend. Wonder of wonders, the girl confided in me that they had a date.

And so I have my answer. I felt as numb as when I had that dream, and now that I have my answer, I've never felt so sure.

I'm letting go. Carrying a torch, the waiting, I think I've had enough.

But dang what I wouldn't give to have that dream again. I wish I would die like that, surrounded by family, and just going to rest, with no worries. Just peace.

Writer's Block: White air

Is it snowing where you are right now?

No, it never will. Unless there's a big shift between the continents and we finally find ourselves farther from the equator. XD

I'd like to see snow though at least once in my life. (Settles with shaved ice) lol.

Writer's Block: B.Y.O.B. Holidays

What is on your holiday wish list this year? One random answer will win a $50 Amazon gift card. [Details here]

For the past few years, I've never really had anything particular in mind. Whenever the holidays come and I'm asked this question, it's usually only one or two things that I wanted and they can never be wrapped, no matter how hard one tries. World Peace. Health. Prosperity. Love. Togetherness.

Though it's wonderful and ideal for people to wish those, it brings grief to the person who would like to give me something for Christmas. So to spare them (though I highly doubt that they can give me this one) I have laid my eyes on something concrete.

A planner. For years, I have just looked at it on its store shelves, and then at the sheer number of stubs/stickers on a booklet you need to fill to get it. It was the practical me frowning and saying to myself I didn't need it.

I still don't think I need it, but I think I deserve to splurge every once in a while. For the past few years, this is the first time I've yearned for something I can actually touch.

It's the first material thing on my wish list. I'm still working on it. :D

Writer's Block: What’s on your mind?

What are you thinking about right now?

Today, I have a lot on my mind.

Considering I shouldn't have so much going on, since at my day job, we've just finished/rolled-off a project. That being said though, the pressure comes from my other sources of income, those that demand deadlines XD. I said before I wasn't going to take on too much, however certain circumstances led me to picking up the pieces and making the most out of it. Blame it on bff, anyway, there's nothing else to do but work my ass off.

I should be continuing on another project that the client has offered me, but I have other concerns with my day job; I realized that once you've finished a project, you're back to square one: which means looking for another project. While yes, it's not boring to be taking part in projects about 6 months-2 years in length, it's a hassle having to sell yourself off against co-workers. They're monsters! These people are on a whole new level than I am...though I try my darnest to be the best, nothing beats having a conversation with these guys and having nothing to say something about it. It's like an ongoing competition with these people...:(

I though I had no chance at all, but although being sick for two weeks, I got an interview with a coveted company client, for some they say this is one of the big fishes, some say it's hell to live or work in it. I was scared, but it wasn't the only reason I made a fool of myself in the interview - I can hardly hear the interviewer, much less compose myself enough to look decent. I've been partially deaf for 3 days and counting, and I'm wondering if I will ever get well. I've wasted an opportunity, I know. But I guess I'm not really cut out for that one...I have other opportunities, but I'm still deciding what to go with...a 10% raise or a 7k increase from another job...I dunno.

Meanwhile, since we are non-billable, we were given mini-projects by our project manager, one I should also be working on, if not for how bad I'm feeling right now. I guess I'm a bit better now considering I have actually turned my laptop on and started this blog (lol), but I was worse the previous days, that I kept putting off work.

On a lighter note, I have started programming again, but woes among woes, on Java to boot. I wanted to learn C# badly, and I'm sincerely hoping that our next project is exactly that, or by heavens I will get a formal tutor to teach me so I can do my sidelines in C#!

For now...I just gotta have to haul myself out of the house to pay my credit card...at least to get started with getting stuff done.

I have a lot going on...I better get started. XD

Writer's Block: Love hurts

What’s the best way to mend a broken heart?

For lack of anything better to write lest I rant about how surreal my life is turning out to be..(lol XD) what is the best way to mend a broken heart?

Even though I speak based from experience, I can't say what I did will work for the others out there who share the same grief. I agree that time helps mend things, along with the company of friends and family which can help you forget if only for a little while. What did I do? Here is a list, though not necessarily in this order:

1. Cried. Buckets..no rivers. I cried myself to sleep, to staring at a random wall, to staring at space. I cried while listening to songs we used to sing. I cried whenever he tried to apologize, or even touched my arm. This went on for about..3 months, give or take.
2. Shared it with close friends and relatives. I told my mom and aunt. I told my close friends. I told my fellow gamers that I'm close with. Not for the purpose of trying to badmouth my ex, but just trying to let it out. If I didn't, I'd go back to number 1.
3. Quit my job. Yes, I just had to. I can't stand being around my ex, especially when he cheated on me with another officemate whom he now claims his wife. And it is with slight bitterness that I say this, but I wish them happiness.
4. Forgive. He said sorry countless times. I said I was sad that things turned out this way, but there's no helping it. I wanted to hate him, but that wouldn't help me move on.
5. Cut my communications with him. I did say I wasn't mad, and I said I forgave him, but I just couldn't see him anymore. I did though a month after, he came down just to see me and say that he missed me. I said that he should go back to work, that I'd rather not see him anymore because I didn't want to cry. No way was I going to go back to square one, but went back, I did, because when I got home that day it took me a week not to cry myself to sleep.

Things are working out so far, so long as I don't see his or his wife's pictures or statuses...(which though I've blocked, seems to keep popping up, hence the scarce updates in fb lol), but yeah, these methods worked for me and I can't say it will work for others out there.

I'm currently helping out a friend who's going through it, and it's been around 8 months already, a bit longer than when my ex and I broke up, but I guess it's another thing. The time it takes for a person's heart to mend varies. I guess it's best to let time heal one's wounds. I've learned not to rush things..I tried, heaven knows I did, but it led me to nothing but back to being lonely and alone.

And I can't say this will work for others either, but for me it's best to give the heart a rest. Enjoy the company of family and friends. Do something positive and new. Let the pieces come into place. When you see someone that sparks more than just your interest, then maybe you can give it another go. Maybe this time that someone's a keeper. :)

Writer's Block: Going the distance

I was going to start another entry in a different way, but this just caught my eye and it's amusing that it somehow jives with how I'm feeling right now.

Would I uproot my life and move to another city for someone that I love?

If I had been asked this a few years back I'd have said no. The university has taught me to be selfish in that respect - I have worked hard to get to where I am now, and there's no way I'm going to throw it away for someone.

And then fast forward to the last few months, and I thought, this is somehow similar to what I had done. I left my job, my ambition, my friends - and the clincher, even him. I left the one I love because he already has someone else.

I was beginning to doubt if there really ever was karma. He had said his apologies; and I'm trying to forgive but I couldn't forget. I left without a word, because saying a word about it would cost him his job. For his part, he won everything; the job, the girl, my forgiveness. What did that leave me with?

And then I started to realize, amidst my depression, that I have a lot to be thankful for. I got a high-paying, less stressful, 5-day job. I get to meet new friends. I get to see my family and my friends more. I get to go out more.

I also realized that going the distance meant leaving the past behind, and even though the memories are here to stay, it's up to us to choose to forget or to learn from them.

The point of no return

I've made up my mind around January. I was going to leave, but I hadn't done anything yet. Not until almost a month ago when I've taken things a step further.

Just yesterday, I gave my resignation letter. It was a huge weight off my chest.

They said they acknowledge that they have received it, but my boss would like to discuss options with the CEO. Counter offers might be given, but I told her as of now, my resignation is irrevocable.

I thought about it. What really were my reasons?
1. I want freedom. (Who doesn't lol) As of now I feel like each of my limbs are tied down; by my family, my loved one, and the company. I want to cut one off so I can at least move a bit.
2. Business reasons. Like it or not, I will have to have a hand on my aunt's business. And being that her business is related to the industry that my company belongs in, it's a conflict of interest. I need to have at least a year off before I can step in; as of now, I need another job unrelated to the industry that both companies are in.
3. Personal reasons. I want myself back. I want my special someone back. (it's impossible I know, anywhoo...)

So yeah. The last one was the final straw. It's not about the full weight of the work; I can handle it. It's the people around me that's making me cave in. To my family, I'ma pay you back, I promise. This month, we're going out no matter what. To my officemates, I'm sorry but I'ma have to go. I sincerely wanted to stay longer, but if I did, I might never leave, which I really have to do. To my special someone, I have so much to say. I want you to know I'm doing this for you. I still love you. Like hell. So please forgive me if I'm leaving because I really can't stand spending a day with you, knowing you belong to someone else now. It really hurts.

This is my final farewell. Thanks and good bye.

Not worth it

For the past few months (or year) I have been complaining about my work. While yes, I have been given a raise, weighing the pros and cons of staying, I'd say it would be best if I leave.

From the very start I was already the underdog. I had to learn a language I didn't understand just because majority of my co-workers knew how it goes and it's the easy way to get the project done. And then I had to handle one of the most tedious modules in the project, of which bugs and what-nots I am solely to blame. Now this, being appointed another job of which I'm not sure if it is official, if it is, then all is good, if it's not, then it's a lost cause, because I've lost more than gained from the experience.

Looking back, I regret one thing, as well as I am proud of it. I've overworked my 2 years, brought sufficient income to the family and delivered to the company. In return I get a thousands worth of raise, more overtime, my family's frustration about me either not being around or going home late, and my special someone leaving me because I was too busy.

It's not worth it.

Not when I find myself crying more often I'm being teased by my friends. I used to be easy going and calm and laid back. Where is she now?

My biggest regret probably, was my grandmother's last birthday and her last day..both of which I wasn't around because I was on overtime.

And my boss say I'm doing this for my family, that in return for my absence, I am able to put food on the table. Now that I think about it, what is the use of providing when there's no one left to provide for?

Our first stage audit is finally over. My boss and most of us are proud to have passed with flying colors, and are just waiting for the final stage before we are certified. They couldn't be happier. They couldn't figure out why I don't share their light spirits. Why? It's like a war. After it is over and you have triumphed, you remember the ones that you lost. And that's exactly what I felt. I smiled, laughed and celebrated with them, but my heart was not into it. I was crying inside, one I didn't want them to see again, because I hate being a crybaby.

I lost my grandmother over my work. I lost myself. I lost someone special.

Is it worth it? After this, then what? What do I get from it? Again yes, probably recognition, higher pay (I doubt it, here in this company?) and then what? it's the same story again.

I knew there was a reason why back then I was avoiding their job offer online. Something told me I shouldn't take it.

Now I promise myself to take things easy. At least get my old self back. If I have to say no to my boss I will have to, if she doesn't accept it then I will leave.

I can't take this anymore.

What guys mean

There are a lot of articles about girl-speak - girls say one thing but mean another.

Now I'm wondering what man-speak is. Most usually say man say what really is in their minds.

I've read an article translating man-speak and i've learned quite a few things; but I didn't quite find what I was looking for.

What does a guy really mean when he says "We need to talk?"

Mostly it's the girls saying this, but when a guy says it, is it a good or a bad thing? What does he want to talk about?

I found myself laughing reading the rest of the article because i can actually relate to some of the things that men usually say and mean. What do I mean? lol. It's weird but I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm really a guy, if I think the same way they do sometimes. Anyway, here are a few:

He says: So maybe we could get together or something?
He means: I think you're really hot and want to ask you out, but I'm too chicken to say so

He says: I think we should date exclusively
He means: I'm scared that if I don't make things more permanent, you'll date someone else

He says: I really like you
He means: I think I am falling in love but if I say that word, there is no going back

He says: Nothing's wrong. I'm fine
He means: God, I know you want to talk about my day and all my interrelationships with my colleagues and boss and the guy who drives my bus, but I am at home now and I just want to drink 10 beers, eat a bag of chips for dinner and zone out

He says: Maybe we need to slow down
He means: Maybe you need to slow down

He says: I don't know what I want
He means: I don't want you

He says: I love you
He means: You make me incredibly happy whenever we are together. I think you may be The One.

And then the things he never wants to hear - which ironically are the things I would rather not as well:

We have to talk - usually the number one thing that girls say which men would never want to hear. It usually means something bad. And when girls say this, it's usually them who does the talking. I use this too, I admit, but with friends, colleagues and relatives. I've yet to use this to the person I like or love. I avoid serious talk when it comes down to it. If it's not about work or family or friends, then I'd rather shun it as much as possible. If not I usually throw in a joke or two. Why? I don't want to get too serious, in as much as people would wish they'd rather not see me too serious. It's depression and hate to the highest degree it's scary. So no.

What are you thinking about? - do you really want to know? I have a very wild imagination. Most of the time, I have my reservations with talking about how to deal with stuff because people might find it wrong, or that they may have something way better than my idea and snub off mine. So when people ask me what I'm thinking about, I don't usually say what I really think. I tone it down most of the time.

I want to get married - I definitely want to hear this from the man I will love. Someday. In the distant future. Not now. Not yet.

So this "We have to talk" thing, it really scares me. I find it ironic that the person saying this is not me, much less its the guy who said it. We couldn't find the time yet because we are very busy (what with the company audit preparations going on) but although I dread the phrase, I'd really like to know why he wanted to talk so early morning at the office I tried to squeeze it out from him (to no avail). This is how the conversation went (ironically):

Guy: We really need to talk, but we don't have the time...(sighs)

Me: Yeah, you texted me last night...what is it? (While working)

Guy: Well...

Me: (Stops working) What? (Stares)

Guy: What are you thinking about?

Me: Do you really want to know? You're keeping me guessing it's driving me nuts.

Guy: (Smiles) Yes I want to know.

Me: Um. You're seeing someone.

Guy: (Gives me a weird look)

Me: Er..you're resigning? You're actually gay? What?

Guy: (laughs)

Me: What?! damn it.

Guy: I'm pregnant and you're the father.

Me: ....

Guy: I kid, I kid. (Grins) We'll talk next time.

-______- People.


Life's short no matter which way you look at it.

From the prospect of a child, he has a long way to go. Graduate from school, get a job, start a family, watch his own kids grow up, and grow old with the ones you love. But the trivial ones, a relaxing day at the beach, a fun evening with his friends, a delicious dinner with all the members of the clan pass by so quickly.

From the prospect of an elderly, it's more of a rewind. He remembers his childhood. He remembers his school days. He recalls getting his first paycheck. He smiles when he remembers having his first child, and that his children are no longer little that he has to run around to get them to stay put, but are all grown up and are taking care of him instead. Though he has gone through so much, decades seem like hours.

I'm suddenly reminded of Venus Raj's popular answer, that in her 22 years, there's nothing major-major problem that she encountered. She probably was too hyped to think of one thing; it can happen to anyone.

For me, it's not the problems that I encountered that I wanted to fix. I've always tried to fix them one way or the other, and in that aspect I never regretted any of it. It's how I deal with stuff that I admit I have my regrets. I could have done things differently. Like for instance, telling my feelings to the ones I love. For me it's the hardest thing to tell a person you love them, because sometimes it's awkward, cheesy, not that significant. I'm more likely to show them how I love them, because that's how I tell them how much they are important to me.

My grandmother finally joined my grandfather and her family with the lord in heaven last Thursday afternoon. Every time I think about that day, I feel saddened, because I never had the chance to say goodbye and I love you. The thought of her not being around never occurred to me because she was always there. That was my one regret, for all the times she said to me that she loved me. I didn't say I love you back.

I love you nanay. I'm sorry I couldn't tell you as often as I should. I know you're happy now wherever you are, and I know you're still keeping tabs on us. Help us keep each other safe and together, as you have always wanted.